fat and a fat number of pages-both good things!

Looking into pregnancy and birth options (just 4 funzies so far!) for larger women I am APPALLED. Infuriated. While many of the articles are decent now, do not read the comments. According to regular old (skinny? maybe) asshole mcgee-you are gross; so gross you don't deserve to live-have sex-have babies. Your fat is so displeasing to look upon that it endangers your child's life (nevermind the scientific evidence says it does not! ) Such are the sounding boards of people who can not demystify the all-powerful causation does not equal correlation mystery. How very impressive (your bigotry, I mean.)

I've never seen the anti-fat movement in such a frenzy, never seen them go for blood so ravenously. And I've been fat my whole life.

They remind me oh so much of the "infected" in my novel. Bloodthirsty, nearly brainless, so eager to please and be rewarded, and so very ravenous to injure.

I'm fat. I don't always eat what I should. Most of my really bad treats I make myself. But I exercise everyday (I have two young children, we are ALWAYS outside). I'm fairly certain I'll always be fat. I'm also happy, with a (slim) husband who adores me. I also happen to realize I'm quite beautiful. A very FAT kind of beautiful.
I won't apologize.

I also hit the 50,000 plus word mark tonight. I'm not done by any means, but thats a good (marketable) mark to hit. If I can wrap it up by 80,000 I'll be delighted. It feels good to hold that manuscript in your hands when it weighs something-when those pages are so numerous as to feel like (a very naked) book.

and i should probably go to bed.

been a long time!

We have a son, Kirin Taiho, now (yes I was indeed pregnant! Thank goodness for the 2 year gap. And yes despite having the "perfect" (boy and girl duo) we'd do it again too! When asked why, all I can tell you is that our children are uniquely awesome. And the world is a better place because they exist. (they are the children of my full of super-hero like goodness husband, afterall). Of course being honest, I do think having had trouble conceiving impacted us, as did our pregnancy loss the first time around. My ob always asked if we would consider having four. I think we would. Honestly. And wouldn't it be refreshing to see a happy fat girl with a bustling traditional house full of kiddos and a sweet husband? Stuff of dreams I tell you.

I pretty much gave up on continuing the university, after being jerked around alot and facing the possiblity of time away from our family (and watching beloved friends go DEEEEP into debt to hold that second piece of paper, and it makes me wish I'd been more thoughtful on all the work we had to do just to get our associate piece of paper-and how stupid it is to measure your worth with that 50,000 piece of paper). My husband works so hard, taking away our time together or with our children right now is unfair at best and not something I want for a degree in an industry that doesn't care for it as much as it cares for what YOU can DO-so I've zeroed in on what I can do. And the book is so close to finished. Danny has helped me edit, kept me on course. I obviously won't be using much of my time to update on here between writing and our daily stuff-and Kai is 3 now and starting a bit of preschool homeschooling.

So I'll drop in to say if something else life-changing happens.

Love-me

updates and late late late

I've started substitute teaching, I really like it. I'm dismayed at how unhappy the kids are with school-not the learning part-how they are treated. It makes me really want to homeschool kai after she gets to a certain age. when they are younger, school is fun and quite good for them. once the heirarchy crap kicks in, so does the abuse, and the kids attitude toward it all goes sour. Socialization with all of those negatives is actually damaging. I don't want that for Kai. I want something better. My husband agrees. Perhaps because now I've seen the schools as an insider. Our nation has so far to go on these issues. It's very sad.

Kai is doing well though. She is learning new words everyday at only 14 months (like DONE! and YUCK! and MEEOW kitty!) It was so hard to leave her here with danny to go to work. I just have to keep telling myself I'm lucky-I get to work from home alot and then I only have to teach one or two days a week. Its still hard to watch your daughter wake up early so that she can make sure you're still at home.

On another topic, I'm late (I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date...*sorry*) I took a test and it was negative. Even when you aren't planning on a prengancy, why is that one line so depressing? Maybe it's because I had so a hard time concieving the first time? I'm still nursing so its not a huge shock to be irregular but it had seemed everything was cyclical again, so I'm confused. Maybe its too early for a test? Who knows. Money is tight, but wow wouldnt another squalling little one running through the house be dreamy? Ok so dreamy and a ton of work but that's motherhood in a nut shell. Maybe its just nothing. I guess I'll wait and see.

School wise, we apprently make too much money for our age (no one seems to care that that money goes on a MORTGAGE and BABY!) so I'll just have to see if one class a semester is affordable for awhile. If I have to borrow money from someone for the payments then its just something I have to do. I have to finish. I'm too close to give up and I have only art classes left...

money matters

So I submitted my application back into the university I went to while I was pregnant with Kai. No problems, other than an address change. I plan on going part-time...plan-assuming that financial aid will take up enough of it to render it plausible. I like school, college was always great fun, but then I'm an art major. What's not fun about that? I hope I can go back. I feel the need to do something to help my families' income. I'm writing on my book, but who can tell if that will even ever sell...I mean we have enough for essentials, and our income is good for our age. Danny works so hard, I want to feel that I'm helping him more. My boss hasn't passed me a project in two months. I also reactivated my substitute teaching resume, and that should help the situation some.

That being said-I'd like to jsut stay home and make my living writing. That and art are about the only things I'm good at....

The first posting...

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has."-Margaret Mead

I haven't written a real blog in years, since Danny and I were dating-which needless too say seems like a long, long time ago as I stare down at our first born child. The lore is true, a woman knows the man she is going to marry and have children with when she sees him. (Not to be confused with the whole corny american "love at first sight" myth) but you do get this *feeling* when you first meet. . . Anyway, with my husband and my new baby, I'm happier now than I ever remember being in my life.

It makes me want a big family~ at least two children, maybe even four? six? Maybe. I saw the large families while studying anthropology, I have to admit I don't know how peoples like the Hmong manage it but good god it looks FUN. Everyone is close to everyone. They practice attachment parenting, breastfeed-sometimes in tandem-wear their babies, share their beds with them and everything. I want that...something in me thinks that is the future we need. Danny seems to be leaning that way too. He says that as long as we raise our children to make the world a better place, we SHOULD have a large family.

That being said, I still want about three years between every child.

Here's hoping our dreams eventually become a reality...

On another note, Kai goes for a second round of shots. She was in the population that had a bit of a painful reaction to some ingredients in the injections and I'm not looking forward to seeing her in pain like that again...Nothing really prepares you to see your child screaming in terror.